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THE THREE DEVOLUTIONS: A DEVELOPER'S DESCENT INTO MADNESS

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The Optimist

Year 0-1

Uses phrases like "I'm excited to join this agile team!"

Actually reads the documentation before asking questions

Believes standups are useful and not a waste of time

Thinks sprints will actually end on time

Adds comments to code believing others will read them

"I've learned so much from today's 3-hour sprint planning session!"

Hope ♥♥♥

Cynicism ♠

Code Quality ♦♦

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The Realist

Year 2-5

Perfected the "I'm listening" face during meetings

Estimates every task at 8 points regardless of complexity

Has 3 pre-written standup updates ready to rotate through

Mutes all Slack channels except direct messages

Writes code that only they will understand, for job security

"Sure, we can add that feature in the next sprint... *mutes mic, screams into pillow*"

Hope ♥♥

Cynicism ♠♠

Code Quality ♦♦♦

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The Void Starer

Year 6+

Laughs maniacally when new initiatives are announced

Can write entire features without touching the documentation

Keeps a bottle of whiskey in desk drawer labeled "Agile Fuel"

Has Kubernetes nightmares, wakes up screaming "pod evicted"

Writing test cases gives physical pain

"evrytim they pay me more
evrytim i still cri"

Hope ♥

Cynicism ♠♠♠

Code Quality ♦♦♦

⚠️ Knows exactly how many days until vested options without checking
⚠️ Has written same CRUD endpoint so many times they can do it while blackout drunk
⚠️ Accidentally refers to spouse/children as "dependencies" or "edge cases"
⚠️ Has bookmarked real estate listings for cabins in remote areas with no internet
⚠️ Can no longer distinguish between work dreams and actual work completed

If you or a developer you know is exhibiting these symptoms, please intervene by suggesting a career in goat farming immediately.